Love in Action: How Understanding Your Partner’s Needs Can Improve Your Relationship
In my work as a Seattle couples therapist, I often see couples who genuinely love each other but feel disconnected. They might say things like, “I do so much for them, but they don’t seem to notice,” or “I just don’t feel appreciated.” These kinds of misunderstandings are rarely about a lack of love—they’re about a lack of alignment in how love is expressed and received.
Every person has a unique way of feeling cared for. Some people light up when their partner initiates a meaningful conversation. Others feel most secure when practical support is offered, or when physical closeness is prioritized. The key to lasting intimacy isn’t just feeling love—it’s learning how to communicate love in a way your partner can truly receive.
From the Gottman Method perspective, this isn’t just about communication skills or conflict resolution. It’s about the foundation of emotional intimacy: how well you know each other, how often you turn toward each other, and how you respond to bids for connection. When couples strengthen these habits, they don’t just survive difficult moments—they thrive in everyday life.
Why Emotional Needs Matter
Each of us carries a set of emotional needs shaped by our upbringing, personality, and life experiences. When those needs are met in a relationship, we feel seen, valued, and safe. When they’re unmet—often unintentionally—resentment, loneliness, or withdrawal can start to take root.
Unfortunately, most of us instinctively express love in the way we ourselves like to receive it. But that strategy can miss the mark if our partner’s needs are different from our own.
How to Put This Understanding Into Practice
Understanding your partner’s emotional needs is only the first step. Real change happens when you turn that insight into action. Here are a few ways to begin:
Get Curious, Not Critical
If you’re feeling disconnected, resist the urge to assume your partner doesn’t care. Instead, ask open-ended questions:
“What makes you feel most loved in a relationship?”
“When do you feel most supported by me?”
“What’s something small I could do that would make your day better?”
You might be surprised by what you learn.
Turning Toward Instead of Away
One of the most powerful Gottman concepts is the idea of bids for connection—those everyday attempts we make to get our partner’s attention, affection, or support. Bids can be verbal (“How was your meeting?”) or nonverbal (a sigh, a touch, a glance).
How we respond to those bids—by turning toward, turning away, or turning against—predicts the strength of our relationship over time.
When you turn toward your partner’s needs, even in small ways, you build emotional trust. When you consistently turn away—by ignoring, dismissing, or minimizing—the relationship begins to erode.
Experiment with Different Forms of Care
Even if something doesn’t come naturally to you, be willing to try. If your partner values deep conversations, make time for them. If they feel supported when tasks are shared, offer to lighten their load. Emotional attunement often requires stepping outside your comfort zone—but the payoff is worth it.
Pay Attention to What Matters Most to Them
What your partner values often shows up in what they complain about or what they thank you for. Do they get discouraged when you’re distracted during time together? Do they light up when you give them a thoughtful compliment? These moments offer valuable clues about what makes them feel truly loved.
Have Regular Check-ins
Life is always changing, and so are our emotional needs. Set aside time to ask each other:
“How are we doing?”
“Is there anything you’ve been needing more of lately?”
“What’s something I do that really helps you feel close to me?”
These questions open the door to empathy, realignment, and deeper connection.
Navigating Differences with Compassion
You and your partner might have different ways of expressing and receiving love—and that’s completely normal. The key is not to force sameness, but to build understanding and flexibility. When partners are willing to stretch in each other’s direction, even just a little, the emotional climate of the relationship begins to shift.
You don’t have to abandon your own style of showing love, but it’s important to learn your partner’s. Think of it as becoming bilingual in your relationship. When you make the effort to meet your partner in the way they feel most cared for, you create a sense of safety and connection that words alone can’t capture.
Love Isn’t Just a Feeling—It’s a Practice
The healthiest relationships aren’t built on grand romantic gestures or constant passion. They’re built on daily acts of intentional love—on knowing your partner, seeing them clearly, and choosing, over and over, to show up in the way they need you most.
So ask yourself: What helps my partner feel most loved? And what would it look like to do that, on purpose, today?
Small moments of care, practiced consistently, can transform a relationship from disconnected to deeply bonded. Love thrives not just in what we feel, but in what we do.