Three Paths in Discernment Counseling: Which One Is Right for Your Relationship?
As a Seattle based certified discernment counselor, I often meet couples who arrive in my office at a very delicate and painful crossroads. One partner may be leaning toward divorce, feeling worn down by conflict or disconnection, while the other may be leaning toward saving the marriage, holding onto hope for change. These couples are not ready for traditional couples therapy because they don’t yet agree on the same goal. Instead, they need a space designed for clarity, honesty, and careful decision-making.
This is where discernment counseling comes in. Unlike the usual couples therapy that works on repairing and strengthening the relationship, discernment counseling is a short-term, structured process that helps partners decide whether to stay the course, separate, or commit to deeper couples therapy. It’s not about pushing toward a particular outcome—it’s about helping each partner get clear on what they want and why, so they can make the next step with confidence instead of regret.
Discernment counseling typically revolves around three possible paths: staying the same, moving toward divorce, or committing to couples therapy. Each path carries different implications, and part of the counselor’s role is to help both partners explore these options honestly and thoughtfully.
Path One: Staying the Same
For some couples, the decision may be to keep things as they are—at least for now. This choice often arises when partners realize they are not ready to make any big moves. They may feel the relationship isn’t good enough to thrive, but also not bad enough to end. Sometimes couples feel that other life circumstances (children, financial pressures, health concerns, or work transitions) make it difficult to take on the challenge of addressing their marriage directly.
Choosing to stay the same is not inherently a failure. In fact, it can be a valid decision when both partners understand that they are postponing further action. However, staying the same does come with risks. Without change, resentment or distance may grow, and the relationship can become increasingly fragile. In discernment counseling, I encourage couples to ask:
What do I gain by keeping things as they are?
What is the potential cost of waiting?
Am I choosing stability, or am I avoiding difficult conversations?
Sometimes, naming the choice to “do nothing” is itself clarifying. It helps couples move from a vague sense of dissatisfaction to a conscious recognition of what this path truly means.
Path Two: Moving Toward Divorce
For other couples, the clearest decision that emerges is to end the marriage. This path can feel devastating, even if one or both partners have been contemplating it for years. Discernment counseling does not treat divorce as a failure—it treats it as one possible outcome of two people grappling honestly with the reality of their relationship.
If divorce becomes the decision, discernment counseling helps the couple move forward with greater compassion and respect. The goal is to avoid what therapists call a “hot divorce,” fueled by anger and confusion, and instead aim for a “good divorce,” marked by clarity and care. For couples with children, this process is particularly valuable. A thoughtful decision can set the tone for healthier co-parenting and reduce the risk of ongoing hostility.
When I work with couples leaning toward this path, I encourage them to reflect on:
What have I learned about myself in this marriage that I want to carry forward?
How can I end this relationship with integrity and minimize regret?
What will help me transition into the next stage of life with resilience?
Sometimes, the clarity of realizing divorce is the healthiest option brings surprising relief. It allows both partners to stop the cycle of uncertainty and begin healing.
Path Three: Committing to Couples Therapy
The third path is to make a conscious decision to work on the marriage through couples therapy. This is different from entering therapy out of vague hope or desperation—it’s a deliberate choice made by both partners after clarifying that the marriage is worth real investment.
Committing to therapy does not guarantee success, but it does create the best possible conditions for change. When both partners are genuinely on board, they can approach therapy with openness and accountability, rather than resistance. This path often appeals to couples who recognize that while their relationship is struggling, there are still threads of love, respect, or shared values they want to nurture.
In discernment counseling, before choosing this path, I encourage couples to ask:
What would make the hard work of couples therapy worth it to me?
Am I willing to take responsibility for my part in the struggles we face?
Do I believe growth is possible for both of us?
Couples who choose this path often feel a renewed sense of hope. Even if challenges remain, they walk away from discernment counseling with a shared commitment to work, rather than remaining stuck in ambivalence.
Which Path Is Right for You?
Discernment counseling is not about rushing to a decision. It’s about slowing down and engaging in an honest exploration of what’s possible, what’s no longer working, and what truly matters to each partner. Some couples leave after one session with clarity; others take the full five sessions to reach a decision. Either way, the process is designed to help couples avoid the pain of impulsive choices or years of drifting.
If you and your partner are at a crossroads—uncertain whether to keep going, call it quits, or give it another try—discernment counseling may offer the clarity you need. The decision is never easy but making it with intention can be a profound act of respect—for yourself, for your partner, and for the life you’ve built together.
Every marriage story is unique. Discernment counseling doesn’t provide easy answers, but it does provide a safe, structured space to face hard truths and make thoughtful decisions. Whether your path is staying the same, moving toward divorce, or committing to therapy, the gift of discernment is that you walk away knowing you chose with clarity, rather than uncertainty. Don’t hesitate to contact me. We can schedule a free brief no-cost consultation so you can meet me and learn more about discernment counseling.