How to Manage Conflict When One Partner Avoids Arguments
As a Seattle based couples therapist, I often meet partners who handle conflict in very different ways. One may want to “talk it out” immediately, while the other tends to shut down, withdraw, or change the subject to avoid an argument. This dynamic can leave both people feeling frustrated: the pursuer feels dismissed, while the avoider feels attacked or overwhelmed. Over time, this cycle erodes intimacy and connection.
The good news is that conflict styles can be understood and managed in ways that strengthen your relationship instead of weakening it. Let’s look at why avoidance happens, how it affects the partnership, and what you can do together to handle conflict more constructively.
Why Some People Avoid Conflict
Conflict avoidance is usually not about a lack of care or interest. Often, it’s rooted in how someone grew up or what they experienced in past relationships. A few common reasons include:
Fear of escalation. Some people have lived through explosive arguments and feel safer avoiding conflict altogether.
Discomfort with emotions. If strong feelings—anger, sadness, frustration—were discouraged or punished in their family, they may not feel equipped to express them.
Desire to keep the peace. Many avoiders truly want harmony and mistakenly believe that brushing issues aside preserves closeness.
Physiological overwhelm. When arguments heat up, their body may go into fight-or-flight mode, leading to withdrawal as a way of calming down.
Recognizing these roots can shift the conversation from “Why won’t you talk to me?” to “How can we create a safer space for both of us to share?”
The Cost of Avoidance in a Relationship
Although avoidance can temporarily defuse tension, it carries long-term consequences. Unaddressed issues don’t disappear—they fester. The partner who wants dialogue may begin to feel lonely, unseen, or resentful. The avoider, meanwhile, may carry silent stress or guilt, feeling pressured to hold everything inside.
Over time, the relationship risks developing a “pursue–withdraw” cycle: the more one partner avoids, the louder the other becomes in trying to be heard. This cycle leaves both partners stuck—one exhausted from chasing, the other overwhelmed from running away.
Breaking this pattern requires mutual understanding and new tools.
Practical Strategies for Managing Conflict When One Partner Avoids
Set the stage with calm timing. If your partner avoids conflict, catching them in the heat of the moment can backfire. Instead, ask when they’d feel comfortable having a conversation. A gentle approach—“I’d like to talk about something important. When would be a good time for you?”—creates a sense of choice and safety.
Use a gentle start-up. How you begin matters. Criticism or blame tends to trigger withdrawal. Start with “I” statements that focus on your feelings and needs: “I felt worried when you didn’t call last night. I’d like more communication.” This lowers defensiveness and increases the chance your partner will stay engaged.
Recognize and honor overwhelm. If your partner starts shutting down, it may be a sign of emotional flooding. Instead of pushing harder, pause. Agree on a signal to take a break and return later, once both of you feel calmer. This isn’t avoidance—it’s pacing.
Practice listening without fixing. For the avoider, learning to tolerate uncomfortable emotions is key. That means practicing staying present while your partner shares, without rushing to shut down or solve the problem. For the pursuer, it means speaking in a way that invites—not demands—connection.
Build emotional vocabulary. Sometimes avoiders lack words for their feelings. A useful exercise is to practice naming emotions together—“I feel nervous,” “I feel overwhelmed,” “I feel unappreciated.” Expanding vocabulary reduces the pressure to find the “perfect” words and makes expression feel less risky.
Schedule regular check-ins. Instead of waiting until conflict explodes, set aside weekly or biweekly times to talk about what’s working and what’s not. This structure helps the avoider anticipate conversations and helps the pursuer feel consistently heard.
Breaking out of avoidance is a long-term process. Celebrate small steps—your partner staying in the conversation for five more minutes, naming a feeling, or agreeing to revisit an issue. Encouragement builds confidence.
What Both Partners Can Do
The pursuer’s role: Try to soften your approach, give space when needed, and trust that issues will be revisited. Pushing harder often makes the avoider retreat further.
The avoider’s role: Work on tolerating discomfort and resisting the urge to escape. Even small moments of staying present can make a big difference.
Together: Focus on building safety. Remind each other that you’re on the same team, even when you disagree.
When to Seek Support
Sometimes, avoidance runs deep. If you find yourselves stuck in repeating cycles despite your best efforts, couples therapy can help. As a Seattle couples psychologist, I am trained in the evidence-based Gottman Method—which can guide you in learning new communication tools, and rebuilding trust.
Conflict isn’t a sign that something is wrong with your relationship—it’s a sign that you’re two human beings with different needs, opinions, and sensitivities. When one partner avoids arguments, the challenge is learning how to face issues gently and constructively, without overwhelming either person.
With patience, practice, and empathy, couples can move from a cycle of avoidance and frustration to one of connection and growth. Arguments may never feel comfortable, but they can become opportunities for deeper understanding—and for building a relationship where both partners feel safe, seen, and valued. To learn more, feel free to contact me to set-up a no fee initial consultation.