Do More of the “Right” Communication This Holiday Season
The holidays promise connection, warmth, and tradition—but they can just as easily bring stress, misunderstandings, and emotional overload. For many couples, December becomes a pressure cooker of expectations: family dynamics, travel, gift-giving, financial strain, and the emotional weight of “making it special.” Amid all of that, communication can slip into short, reactive exchanges that leave partners feeling disconnected.
In my practice as a Seattle couples therapist I find that the Gottman method offers clear guidance on what the rightcommunication looks like—especially when life is busy. If you want to protect your bond this holiday season, focus on communicating in ways that strengthen your friendship, reduce conflict, and help you turn toward one another with intention.
Start With a Shared Holiday Vision
In Gottman terms, healthy couples create shared meaning—rituals, values, dreams, and intentions that make life together feel purposeful. The holidays are an ideal time to revisit what this season truly means to each of you.
Instead of jumping straight into logistics, take a few minutes to ask each other:
What do the holidays represent for you this year?
What parts of the season feel most nourishing? Most stressful?
What do you hope we experience together?
This conversation helps you align before the season really begins. It also surfaces emotional needs that often go unspoken—like wanting more time with just the two of you, or needing boundaries around extended family expectations. When couples know each other’s internal worlds, their communication becomes more compassionate and less reactive.
Use the Gentle Start-Up to Avoid Holiday Blow-Ups
For many couples conflict conversations end the same way they begin. A harsh start-up (“You never help me!”) leads to defensiveness, escalation, or withdrawal. During the holidays—when you’re tired, overstimulated, or running on deadlines—harsh start-ups multiply quickly.
The antidote is the gentle start-up, which uses “I feel… about… and I need…” language.
For example:
Harsh: “You’re impossible to plan with around the holidays.”
Gentle: “I feel overwhelmed trying to finalize our plans. I need us to sit down for ten minutes to look at the calendar together.”
Gentle start-ups move the conversation forward rather than triggering criticism and defensiveness. They also model respect, which strengthens both partners’ sense of emotional safety.
Pause Reactivity With State-of-the-Union Check-Ins
Right communication doesn’t require perfection. It requires repair—the ability to catch yourselves when you start spiraling and get back on track.
Weekly State-of-the-Union check-ins (a Gottman tool) can be a gift to your relationship during the holiday season. These 30-minute conversations help you stay connected and reduce simmering tension.
A simple structure is:
Share five things you appreciated about each other that week.
Take turns talking about challenges without blaming.
Make requests for the coming week.
End with affection or appreciation.
These check-ins reduce the buildup of resentment and give each of you space to feel heard—before a conflict erupts during travel, family gatherings, or last-minute errands.
Turn Toward Bids in the Middle of Holiday Chaos
Even in busy seasons, couples are constantly making small “bids” for connection. Gottman research shows that couples who stay connected respond to these bids more frequently and easier than distressed couples do.
During the holidays, bids might sound like:
“Look at these lights!”
“Can we just cuddle for five minutes?”
“Will you come help me pick out a gift?”
“I’m feeling overwhelmed.”
Turning toward a bid doesn’t require a grand gesture—it’s often a nod, a smile, a “tell me more,” or a quick squeeze of your partner’s hand. These micro-moments add up, especially when life feels fast and full.
Avoid the Four Horsemen (Especially Around Family)
The Four Horsemen—criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling—show up more frequently when you’re tired and under stress. They’re especially likely to appear when navigating family dynamics, travel fatigue, or mismatched expectations.
During the holidays, try focusing on the antidotes:
For Criticism → Use a Gentle Start-Up
Focus on feelings and needs, not character flaws.
For Defensiveness → Take Responsibility
Even a small piece (“I can see how I made that harder”) shifts the tone.
For Contempt → Build Appreciation
Tell your partner what you value, admire, or enjoy about them daily.
For Stonewalling → Self-Soothe
Take a break, breathe, go for a short walk, and return when your body has calmed.
Practicing these antidotes—especially when extended family is around—keeps the partnership strong and reduces unnecessary conflict.
Create Mini Rituals of Connection
The holidays often come with big rituals, but Gottman research shows that small, predictable moments of connectionare equally powerful. They help couples feel supported and grounded even when schedules are packed.
Try adding one or two of these:
A five-minute morning “What’s one thing you need today?” conversation
A nightly cuddle or debrief
A ritual of saying “thank you” for holiday tasks
A weekly holiday walk or hot-chocolate date
These rituals protect your bond from getting lost in the busyness. They also create emotional stability during a season that can feel unpredictable.
Keep the Relationship at the Center of the Season
Doing more of the “right” communication doesn’t mean suppressing hard feelings or pretending the holidays are perfect. It means staying attuned, staying proactive, and staying connected. When couples consistently turn toward each other—with gentleness, curiosity, appreciation, and repair—they build a holiday season that feels not just functional but meaningful.
Your relationship deserves to feel like home, even in the busiest time of year. And with a little Gottman wisdom guiding your communication, you can make this holiday season one of closeness, clarity, and connection. To learn more and to schedule a consultation to meet me please visit my contact page.